why me
what did you see in me that made me your target
why did you hug me like that when we’d only met for the second time
i remember the way you placed your hand on my waist in line for taco bell.
the way you pulled at the string of my thong and released it to watch it snap against my skin.
it was halloween.
and my costume was that of a whore.
irony.
the joke was that i wanted to dress like all of the other girls on halloween.
only i meant it quite literally.
i didn’t think that you would see me and think something of it.
what did you slip in my drink that night
the night when you didn’t drink
but manned the keg.
and then you played a game with me.
a silly, stupid, harmless game.
or so i thought.
one cup.
two.
here have some of mine.
three.
i’ll fill yours up, i’m out too.
why were you in that room by yourself in the dark.
what were you doing there, waiting for me?
i was going to the bathroom.
but i didn’t come back out of that room, see.
the door was closed when i stepped out.
and so the darkness of the room became the darkness of that fateful night.
i hadn’t known that kind of darkness before you.
i can feel you removing my clothes.
shirts being pulled over head.
shorts being dragged against my thighs and down past my knees until i could no longer feel their weight on my skin.
you asked
to whom, i don’t know,
how many of these are there?
but silence was the only reply.
as you continued to move around me in the darkness of the room.
how did i end up there?
like that
with you.
who are you?
now i feel a pillow close to my face as i move my heavy, burdensome head slowly from left to right.
i hear you say ‘shut up’
but i didn’t know anyone was making a sound
i can feel you
inside of me.
but the sensation means nothing to me.
the synapses of my brain have clocked out for the night and my senses do not link with thought or consciousness.
a failure of my parietal lobe attributed to your toxin now gliding through my venous system.
but i feel you.
even still.
and then there was a light. a strip of bright white that wasn’t there before.
or was it?
and then nothing.
how many hours did i lose?
how many moments were i gone for?
where did i end up?
and how did i get there?
you were on top of me.
and i saw to my right a man fucking a woman next to me in bed.
whose bed was it?
and why
god why
was i in it?
i can still feel you.
inside of me.
tearing me apart from the inside out.
it’s really a surprise that there was anything left after you.
a broken body and a broken mind.
i should have liked to never wake up.
but i did.
confused
disoriented
slow
my mind moved through sludge
and my body followed suit.
you spoke to me that morning.
as if nothing had happened.
as if you hadn’t just set afire the wooden foundation i’d laid per amore.
i hadn’t known it could so easily be consumed by flame.
until then.
to ashes it fell
in the blink of an eye.
i don’t know whether to thank you for forcing me to build a more resilient fortress
or curse you for not leaving the first one be.
i suppose it doesn’t matter either way.
you lied to me.
again and again.
and then you stopped answering my calls so that you could stop answering my questions.
questions you fabricated answers for.
who are you?
a thief in the night.
a shapeshifter moving into any and every form you require to get what you want.
it is almost impressive.
but then,
it is almost
the worst thing,
i think,
you could have done.
and so i wonder
who are you?
what person lies behind those blue eyes and bright smile that crept in that night and stole from me
something so precious
i wonder if i’ll ever get it back.
if i’m lucky
i’ll see it sitting on a shelf at goodwill one day
used and recycled
and i’ll pick it up and purchase it.
one’s trash is another’s treasure.
i wonder what you’re doing now.
who you’ve stolen from after me
who you’re stealing from now.
do they know?
to you, an artful mastermind
but to me, a demon in disguise
you are cruel.
and i forgive you.
i forgive you.
my view this morning <3 i’m only up this early because i haven’t been able to sleep; this made it worth it
Re-gam from my best from who is also a survivor of rape. This April get involved. Every person can make a difference to help spread awareness. #april2013 #sexualassaultawarenessmonth #saam #rapesurvivor #strong @ashleyhester72 I love you❤
